How to Prepare for Divorce Mediation with a Controlling Ex

Mediation is meant to be a neutral process. A space where two people come together to make decisions, guided by a professional who helps them find common ground.

But when you’re dealing with a controlling ex, mediation can feel anything but neutral.

You may walk in hoping for resolution, only to walk out feeling unheard, disoriented, or worse - blamed for the very dynamic you’ve been trying to escape.

So how do you prepare for mediation when the person on the other side of the table is manipulative, combative, or emotionally abusive?

Here are practical, trauma-aware strategies to help you protect your peace, stay grounded, and prepare with intention.

1. Understand What Mediation Is-and What It Isn’t

Mediation is not therapy.It’s not about healing or justice.It’s a structured process to reach agreements around issues like parenting, property division, or finances.

The mediator’s role is to stay neutral. They are not there to name abuse, intervene in toxic dynamics, or ensure emotional safety. This can feel jarring if you’re used to therapeutic or advocacy-based support.

Knowing this ahead of time helps manage expectations-and avoid disappointment or re-traumatization.

2. Know the Patterns That Are Likely to Show Up

In tense situations, your ex may:

• Twist facts or rewrite history

• Present themselves as calm and reasonable, while painting you as “emotional” or “difficult”

• Use charm or manipulation to win over the mediator

• Intentionally provoke you to get a reaction

• Make unreasonable demands, then backpedal when challenged

If you’ve seen these tactics before, assume they will show up again. Naming them privately ahead of time (with support) can help you feel less blindsided.

3. Prepare Your Core Goals and Non-Negotiables

Go into mediation with:

• A clear list of what matters most to you

• Boundaries you won’t compromise on

• Areas where you’re willing to be flexible

• Specific language or clauses you’d like to propose

Having this written down helps you stay anchored if the conversation becomes stressful or confusing.

4. Stay Regulated in the Room

Easier said than done-but critical.

Grounding strategies before and during mediation can include:

• Deep breathing techniques

• A grounding object in your pocket (stone, keychain, etc.)

• Taking notes to stay focused

• Asking for a short break if you feel overwhelmed

You’re allowed to pause. You’re allowed to collect your thoughts. You do not have to respond to every provocation immediately.

5. Bring a Support Person If Possible

Some mediation processes allow you to bring a lawyer, coach, or support person with you. Others do not.

If you’re attending solo, consider preparing with a professional beforehand. Run through potential scenarios. Script your key responses. Get feedback on areas where you might be pulled off-track.

Feeling mentally rehearsed reduces the likelihood of being thrown off by manipulation or emotional ambushes.

6. Document Everything

Keep a private record of:

• What was discussed

• What was agreed to

• Any behaviors or comments that felt harmful or dismissive

This isn’t about getting the other person in trouble-it’s about tracking your process and decisions so you can refer back to them if needed.

7. If It Doesn’t Feel Safe, You Can Step Away

Not all mediation is safe or productive.If your well-being is at risk, or if the process is being used as a tool of control, it’s okay to pause, ask for a different format (such as shuttle mediation), or seek legal advice.

Your safety and clarity matter more than reaching agreement quickly.

Mediation with a controlling ex isn’t just about negotiation-it’s about self-protection. By preparing intentionally, regulating your nervous system, and setting boundaries, you can move through the process with greater clarity, even when the other party thrives on confusion.