Coercive Control: What It Is, and Why It’s So Hard to Explain

You can’t point to bruises. There’s no screaming match on record. And yet, something about your relationship feels suffocating, disorienting, and terrifying in a way that’s hard to name.

That’s the nature of coercive control.It’s often invisible to everyone except the person experiencing it, and even then, it can take months or years to recognize what it is.

If you’ve ever tried to explain what’s happening to a friend, therapist, lawyer, or judge only to be met with confusion, dismissal, or a blank stare, you’re not alone.

Let’s talk about what coercive control really is and why putting it into words can feel nearly impossible.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviors used to dominate, isolate, and intimidate someone without necessarily laying a hand on them.

It includes:

• Gaslighting and distortion of reality

• Surveillance, stalking, or “checking in” under the guise of care

• Controlling money, time, appearance, or access to resources

• Isolating from friends, family, or professional help

• Threats involving children, reputation, or legal consequences

• Sudden affection followed by unpredictable withdrawal or rage

At its core, coercive control is not about anger.It is about power.

It is slow. It is methodical. And it often operates in ways that are normalized, minimized, or even romanticized in society.

Why It’s So Hard to Explain

One of the cruelest aspects of coercive control is that it doesn’t look abusive from the outside.

There are no police reports. No bruises. No smoking gun.

You may have:

• Doubts about whether it’s “really abuse”

• Found yourself defending or excusing their behavior

• Tried to speak up, only to be met with “well that’s just how relationships are”

When you’re in it, it feels like a fog.When you describe it, it sounds like a bad relationship, not something worthy of concern. But that doesn’t make it less real.

The Impact on Your Sense of Self

Coercive control can leave you:

• Hypervigilant and constantly walking on eggshells

• Doubting your memory or judgment

• Struggling with decision-making

• Feeling ashamed, confused, or “crazy”

• Isolated and emotionally exhausted

And the worst part?Because it's so subtle and pervasive, others may not believe you even when you finally gather the courage to speak.

Post-Separation Control Is Still Coercive Control

Many people assume the abuse ends once the relationship is over. But for those who’ve experienced coercive control, the tactics often continue or escalate after separation.

This can look like:

• Manipulating legal systems to maintain contact

• Withholding financial support

• Using children to maintain control

• Constant communication under the pretense of coparenting

• Sabotaging your support systems or reputation

Coercive control doesn’t need proximity. It only needs access.

You Are Not Overreacting

If you’ve found yourself asking:

• “Why can’t I just get over this?”

• “Why does this still affect me months or years later?”

• “Why do I still feel like I’m under their control?”

You’re not overreacting. You’re responding exactly how a nervous system responds when it’s been conditioned for survival.

Coercive control is real. It’s traumatic. And just because others may not understand it doesn’t make your experience less valid.

You deserve to feel safe, clear, and in control of your own life again.Healing doesn’t require your abuser to validate your story. It begins when you do.