When Legal Help Doesn’t Feel Like Help

Understanding Coercive Control in a System That Wasn’t Built to See It

Have you ever left a meeting with you lawyer feeling more confused than supported?

Been assured your concerns are being taken seriously, yet nothing seems to change? 

Or maybe you're been trying to make decisions that will keep both you and children safe, but you're being advised to “compromise.”.

It can make you start questioning yourself.

But here’s something important: what you’re feeling may not be about overreacting,  it might be about coercive control.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a pattern of domination that strips away your freedom, erodes your confidence, and can leave you questioning reality, all without leaving a single mark.

It’s not about explosive outbursts. It’s about the slow squeeze, the daily decisions you no longer get to make, the constant second-guessing, the fear of what happens if you say no. And it usually doesn't stop after the relationship ends.

In fact, for many people, it gets worse after separation, especially when children and court orders are involved.

Why it's difficult for lawyers and judges to recognize it

I recently delivered a webinar to Alberta family lawyers about how to recognize and respond to coercive control and how to prevent their clients from being harmed after seeking legal help.

What I shared with them is what I want to share with you now:

Coercive control doesn't always look like "abuse" in the traditional sense. 

It often shows up as disagreements about parenting, frequent legal filings, financial disputes, or tension during exchanges. It can also masquerade as "concern", "different parent styles" or "just conflict."

What many clients experience, though, is not mutual conflict  it’s a pattern of power, entitlement and control.

You may find yourself:

• Justifying decisions that don’t make sense, even to yourself

• Avoiding certain topics or actions just to “keep the peace”

• Saying yes when everything in you is screaming NO!

• Feeling like you’re in a courtroom drama, not a real life

• Having your intentions flipped on you through DARVO tactics (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)

If you feel like you’re being managed, not protected, that’s not your imagination. That’s the reality many survivors face, especially when the legal system is trying to stay “neutral.”

But They're Still a Good Parent... Right?

One of the most damaging myths in family law is the idea that “a bad partner can still be a good parent.” It sounds reasonable on paper. But when the “bad partner” is emotionally abusive, manipulative, and controlling, that behavior doesn’t magically shut off when the kids are around.

Children don’t just need parenting time. They need safety. They need stability. They need to know that love doesn’t come with conditions or fear.

Coercive control doesn’t just harm partners, it spills over into how children experience love, power, and trust. That’s why it matters. 

Why Legal Help Doesn’t Always Feel Like Help

Most lawyers are doing the best they can within a system built for fairness and facts. But coercive control doesn’t always come with clean evidence. It shows up in patterns, subtleties, and psychological pressure that can be difficult to explain in a single affidavit.

This isn’t about blaming lawyers. It’s about giving them the tools and giving you the language to help the system see the full picture.

Most lawyers are doing their very best to support their clients while working within a system that often requires evidence, timelines, and fairness to both parties — even when one party is misusing that process

This can create situations where survivors of coercive control feel unheard or unsupported, even when their legal team is working hard behind the scenes. It’s not that lawyers are failing to care — it’s that coercive control doesn’t always fit neatly into legal categories.

That's why it's so important for clients to understand what coercive control is, how it shows up, and how to advocate for their safety and their children’s well-being in legal settings — often in partnership with legal professionals who are open to deeper insight and expert input

That’s why I work with both clients and legal professionals to bridge the gap between lived experience and legal strategy.

How to Make Sense of the Nonsense

In my training, I talk about something I call reverse logic, when your parenting decisions don’t make sense to anyone else, but make perfect sense if your goal is to avoid conflict, stay safe, or prevent your ex from retaliating.

You’re not weak. You’re managing risk. And that’s not the same as agreeing.

Here are a few ways to take your power back — or at least start making sense of what’s happening.

What You Can Do Right Now

1. Pay attention to the pattern

Coercive control isn’t about a few bad incidents. It’s about a pattern. Write it down. Keep track. Look at it all laid out, not just moment by moment.

2. Document how it makes you feel and act

The impact matters. Are you afraid to speak? Do you give in just to avoid escalation? These responses are part of the control.

Keep a log of incidents, text messages, missed exchanges, sudden changes in your child’s behavior, or legal maneuvers that seem retaliatory or disruptive. Patterns often emerge when you lay everything out chronologically.

3. Know it’s okay to ask questions.

It’s okay to say, “I’m feeling unsafe and not sure this is just conflict, can we talk about that?” It’s also okay to ask your lawyer how certain strategies might protect your safety and your child’s well-being

4. Don’t apologize for wanting protection

Requesting a safer parenting plan isn’t gatekeeping, it’s safeguarding. You’re allowed to want more than just fairness. You’re allowed to want safety.

5. Use expert language to tell your story

It’s okay if you don’t know how to name what’s happening. That’s what professionals like me are here for. We help translate lived experience into something courts can act on.

6. Ask your lawyer if they’re open to expert input

This doesn’t mean they’ve done anything wrong, it just means you want to build the strongest case possible, especially when patterns of control are hard to capture on paper.

If You're Feeling Misunderstood or Managed... You're Not Alone

You're not imagining it. You’re not being too much. You’re navigating a system that wasn’t built for the kind of abuse that hides behind polite smiles and perfectly written parenting plans.

But things are changing. More legal professionals are learning what coercive control is. More survivors are speaking up. And more experts are helping connect the dots.

Final Thoughts

If what’s happening to you doesn’t look like violence but feels like control...If your ex’s behavior is polite in public but punishing in private...If your child is being used as a messenger, a pawn, or a threat...

That’s not just difficult. It’s dangerous.

And you deserve better.

Need Insight or Support?

I work with individuals, lawyers , and the courts to to help recognize and respond to coercive control in family law matters. If you'd like to learn more about consultation, expert reports, or how to approach your case with safety and clarity in mind, visit trishguise.com or reach out directly.